Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
