I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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