went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
This toilet bowl is my home.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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