I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
