I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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