he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Randomize
