you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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