i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
