I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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