I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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