Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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