i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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