Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
