I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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