I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
