she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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