The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
