Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Someone shattered a urinal.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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