Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
