That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
