Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
