My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
