How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
