I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
