Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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