I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
