Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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