I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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