and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
