1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
