took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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