The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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