Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
