I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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