Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize