The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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