I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
