I could make wine with my vomit
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
