We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
