I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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