I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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