Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
