Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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