five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize