If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize