My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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