I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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