I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
