dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize