i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
