i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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