I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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