my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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