He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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