Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
