Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
