I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
