So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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