He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
