I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize