All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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