Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
