need another drink. this is the easiest way
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
